Livforjoy Innerprizes, LLC

I was dreaming.  But I didn’t know I was dreaming.  It was one of those dreams that you’re in.  Where you see and experience what’s happening from the inside out.

I felt horrible.  I felt trapped.  I couldn’t breathe.  What was I going to do?  I was overwhelmed with life.

A lot of people were around me.  Some of them, the ones who were my friends, often told me, “You’ll be OK.  Don’t worry.  You’ll see.  You’re an inspiration to the rest of us.”  Others didn’t even notice I was in pain, or that I was juuuuuust a bit off my game.  Why?  Because they had their own lives.  Some people were in the depths of their own pain.  They might have helped me, except they were in their own place of overwhelm-ment.  Some people were numb with their own pain.  In order to survive, they’d learned to cope by focusing on the goal and sometimes just the next step.  Some people swirled around and took a moment to gloat in my pain and be smug and say, “You brought it on yourself.  You’re just reaping what you’ve sown.  What do you expect?”  Some of them even seemed like they were on a mission to find something that would prove I was bad or worse off than they were.  Perhaps this helped them to feel better about themselves, as they sat in judgment at me and saw themselves as being better off than I was.

Whatever … I felt alone.  What was I to do? 

Someone came to me.  I couldn’t make out their face nor tell their age or gender.  They said, “I have the answer for you.  I can give you a way out.  All you have to do is come with me.  Oh, and by the way, you’ve got to take off your top.”  They said it with a sickeningly sweet, seductive voice.  And so our conversation began: 

“What do you mean; I have to take off my top?”

“You know what I mean.” They said in that syrupy voice.  “Just take off your top.  I’m going to take you into this room.  There will be a lot of people in there.  Let them fondle you and do whatever they want -- but only to your breasts.  You won’t have to have sex with them.  They won’t hurt you.  It’s such a little thing.  Don’t worry.  You’ll be OK.  And when it’s over, when they’re finished with you, I’ll give you everything you need and you’ll get out of this black hole you’re in.  It’s worth it, don’t you think?  I mean, you always have a choice, but this is the best thing for you.  Don’t worry.  Don’t worry.  Come with me.”  They took me by the hand, led me to a darkened room with little space and heavy air.  I couldn’t breathe.  I thought, “I can’t do this!  If I do, I’ll die.”  But then I had a second thought, “I have to do this.  If I don’t, I’ll die.”

I heard the voice through the door, “Take off your top, but leave everything on on the bottom.  There’s a robe in there.  Put it on and come out.”

I saw a white terrycloth robe.  As if in a trance, I watched myself take off my blouse and bra and put on the robe.  I had never felt so exposed, so vulnerable, so helpless. 

I opened the door and was led by the unseen person through a huge mall.  It was the size of the Mall of America and filled with people.  They were all so involved in their busyness.  No one noticed me, not really.  But I felt that every eye was on me.  I felt their eyes.  I heard their thoughts of judgment and condemnation and snickering and smugness. 

I continued walking, dragging my feet -- just barely able to put one foot in front of the other.  And with each step, it became harder and harder for me to breathe.  What was I doing? 

We were on a beautiful crossway between the mall and a 10-star hotel.  How is it possible to be surrounded by such beauty and feel so ugly?  Every inch of everything was spotless, gleaming and spotlessly polished.  Everything was so clean and I felt every part of me was dirty.  How was it possible?  

Then my escort handed me over to a beautiful young woman.  She said, “Oh, you're next?  Don't worry about it.  Just let them do whatever they want.  Then they'll give you a lot of money and everything will be alright.  It'll be over before you know it."  I was thinking, "What do you mean, 'Don't worry about it?'  This will be with me forever!  I’ll never be able to escape or forget it."  I felt like I was dying.  I started to cry.  I prayed but felt hopeless.  No one was there to help me.  No one heard my cries.  No one would save me.  I was alone. 

The young woman smiled at me.  Her smile did not reach her eyes which looked like empty pieces of coal.  Lifeless.  They looked as hopeless and empty as I felt.  She turned me gently so that my back was toward her.  As I faced the lobby of the hotel, she removed my robe.  I was naked from the waist up.  Naked.  Exposed.  Vulnerable.  Raw.  Staring wide-eyed, frozen in fear.

All of a sudden, I saw a very good friend of mine walking through the hotel lobby.  He was beautifully dressed and surrounded with people who looked like their whole life and reason for being was to make him happy, to serve him.  I wondered why he was there.  He was an important man.  He must have been meeting with other important people.  Whatever the reason, one thing I knew for sure:  I didn’t want him to see me.  I’d felt embarrassed before.  But the thought of him seeing me – naked and exposed, filthy and wretched – took me to a level of embarrassment that I couldn’t have imagined existed.  Oh great, a new low.  It would have been funny if I hadn’t felt like the lowest, most disgusting thing ever created. 

I spun around quickly and put my hands over my face.  Trying to hide and hoping, as children do, that if I couldn’t see him, he couldn’t see me.  I was shivering with fright as tears of self-loathing rolled down my face.  When I raised my head and opened my eyes, he was there.  In all his resplendent beauty, he was there.  He looked majestic, royal.  He said one word, my name, “Glo?”  Hearing him say my name so sweetly released a dam of tears.  He put his arms around me and held me securely and just let me cry.  He covered my nakedness and protected me from everyone and everything else.  He was there for me.  In that moment, I felt that whatever had been important to him, I was THE most important thing to him.

I cried on his shoulder -- so hard that I soaked his tailor-made coat and suit that I was sure cost thousands of dollars – each.  His stark beauty made me more aware of my ugliness, and I cried harder.  He was my friend, sure.  But how could he be my friend now?  How could he love me when I was so ugly?  I wasn’t my usual self-assured, on-top-of-everything, in-control self.  I didn’t even like or love myself.  How could he?  Was it possible that he could love the dirty hopeless me?

I felt horrible, empty and then I started to feel something else:  waves of love, coming from my friend.  He loved me.  He didn’t say it.  I felt it.  I felt waves of love gently rolling over me and somehow through me.  He held me and I cried gulping sobs.  Finally, the tears began to subside.  And as they went, a new embarrassment came.   I thought to myself, “Get a hold of yourself.  Cheeze, this man is busy.  You took him away from what he was doing to come over here to be with you.  Pull it together so he can go back to his important business.  I don’t know HOW you’re going to do it; after all, you are naked from the waist up!  But you’ve got to get outta here and away from him.”

His arms were still around me.  I was held securely, but I didn’t feel restricted or confined.  I knew I could step away from him any time I wanted.  I decided to stay within the safety of his arms a bit longer, until I could stand on my own and move, not from embarrassment, but from strength.  He continued to hold me and send waves of Love.

After a little while, I stepped back.  He put his hands on my forearms and just looked me.  And, unlike the eyes of the young woman that were empty, his eyes were filled with Love, compassion, acceptance and no judgment.  I looked for it.  He didn’t look away.  He looked at me, not staring or searching, but with openness.  I felt my strength growing with each breath, which miraculously came to me quite easily now.  My surroundings hadn’t changed.  I was still in the lobby of the hotel.  But now, I felt that I was part of not separate from the beauty there.  I was still naked, but I knew it was safe to be even that exposed.  I was confident my friend would cover me and walk with me to be sure I knew I walked in safety and Love. 

I looked at him and thought, “You are so beautiful!”  We smiled at one another.  And then I thought, “Me too!”  We smiled at one another, the kind of smile that friends share when they have a delicious secret between them.  I felt great.  I woke up.

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Man!  What a dream!!!!!!!  What did it mean?  I asked and here’s what was revealed to me.  I represented human beings, mankind.  My friend represented God.  The people and places represented life and the way many of us experience it.

And here is the beauty, even though we find ourselves in situations where we feel totally exposed, vulnerable, alone, helpless, too bad to be angry; when all we can do is just put one foot in front of the other, just breathing takes all my concentration; when we feel all alone in the midst of crowds – we cannot hide from God.  Hard as we might try to, when we open our eyes, we find that God is wherever we are.  Wherever we look, we see God, feel God.  God is our friend.  And as such, God is not judgmental or angry or punishing – we’ve done enough of that to ourselves, thank you very much.  God is there to give is the exact support we need when, where and how we need it – without our asking.  While God won’t force us to take it, the never-ending supply is there for us.  We don’t have to reach out for it, God brings it to us.  All we have to do (and this is huge) is receive – just allow ourselves to receive it.

Is that a dream?  Or is that reality?